by Debbie Wicker BCCC
“Honor your father and your mother.” — Exodus 20:12
In my previous blog post, I discussed my personal experience with honoring my parents and how much I benefited from making that choice. In this post, I want to look at the other side of the issue.
As a Christian mental health counselor, I have seen firsthand some of the consequences that can come when adult children stop honoring their parents.
When We Stop Honoring Our Parents
Many of the people I work with are women over fifty who have grown children. Some have spent much of their lives caring for their children, helping them, supporting them, and making themselves available whenever they were needed.
Many mothers have sacrificed enormously for their children. They watched grandchildren, helped financially, rearranged their schedules, provided emotional support, and were there whenever their families needed them.
Yet sometimes, when these mothers grow older and need help themselves, they discover that their adult children are suddenly too busy.
That can be deeply painful.
When We Mistreat Our Parents, We Hurt Ourselves
I have worked with a woman who is beginning to experience dementia and now needs additional care. She has three children and five grandchildren.
When her grandchildren were young, she cared for them approximately forty hours a week—without being paid. She devoted enormous amounts of time and energy to helping her family.
Now she is the one who needs help.
Unfortunately, her children often seem too busy to visit, even when she is in the hospital.
That situation is heartbreaking. But I believe there is another important lesson here.
How we treat our parents can reveal something about who we are becoming.
I recently met this woman’s daughter. She appeared extremely stressed, angry, rude, and deeply unhappy. Her life seemed to revolve almost entirely around herself, with little room for empathy toward others.
And there is another person watching.
Her son is learning from her example.
Children learn how to treat others by watching how we treat the people around us—including our parents.
What we teach our children through our actions may be far more powerful than what we teach them with our words.
Living on God’s Schedule
One of the hardest things for us to surrender to God is our schedule.
We have plans. Also, we have responsibilities. We have places to go and things to accomplish. We often believe that our schedule is the most important schedule.
But what happens when God interrupts our plans?
Sometimes honoring our parents means stopping.
It means making a phone call.
Maybe it means making a visit.
It means helping when it is inconvenient.
It means setting aside our own priorities for someone who needs us.
When we listen to God and begin living according to His priorities rather than our own, our lives can be transformed.
The Bible tells us:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.”
— Proverbs 3:5–6 (NIV)
One of My Most Important Memories
I learned this lesson personally during the final years of my father’s life.
The time I was able to spend with my dad during those years has become some of my most important and treasured memories.
God changed my schedule.
Because of that, I was able to make time for my dad when he needed me.
I remember one particular day, about two weeks before he died. My dad called me and told me that he needed some chub fish. He wanted it right away.
So I dropped what I was doing and went to get it for him.
Was it reasonable?
Probably not.
Was it convenient?
Absolutely not. He lived about an hour away.
But when I gave him the fish, I saw the look on his face. I will never forget it.
Two weeks later, he died.
That simple act of stopping what I was doing became one of the memories I treasure most.
What If I Had Said No?
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had told my dad, “I’m too busy.”
I would have missed one of those precious final moments with him.
The fish itself wasn’t important.
Being there for my dad was important.
God gave me an opportunity to honor my father, and I am grateful that I recognized it.
That experience taught me something I don’t want to forget:
Sometimes God’s interruptions are actually His invitations.
We may think we are too busy. We may think something else is more important. But God sees the bigger picture.
Many People Are Very Unhappy
Unfortunately, I have observed that people who consistently turn their backs on their parents often struggle in other relationships as well.
I would never suggest that every difficult relationship with a parent is caused by disobedience to God. Some parents have been abusive, neglectful, or deeply unhealthy. In those situations, establishing appropriate boundaries can be necessary and wise. But appropriate boundaries never mean neglect.
But when we separate ourselves from our parents, choosing to dishonor them can have consequences.
There is something significant about the biblical command to honor our father and mother.
It is not merely about making our parents happy.
It is about learning humility, gratitude, responsibility, sacrifice, and love.
And ultimately, it is about learning to live under God’s authority rather than our own.
Our relationship with our parents can therefore become a kind of barometer for our relationship with God.
Are we willing to put aside our own desires?
Can we become willing to serve?
Are we willing to forgive?
Can we be inconvenienced for someone else?
Are we willing to trust God’s priorities even when they interfere with our own plans?
These are spiritual questions as much as they are family questions.
What Is Your Schedule Really Serving?
We live in a culture that constantly tells us to prioritize ourselves.
Protect your time.
Protect your peace.
Do what makes you happy.
Put yourself first.
There is certainly wisdom in having healthy boundaries and taking care of ourselves. But Christianity calls us to something deeper than self-centered living.
Jesus calls us to love.
Sometimes love is inconvenient.
It requires sacrifice.
Sometimes love means changing our plans.
And sometimes, honoring our parents means putting down our phones, turning off our schedules, getting in the car, and simply being there.
Consider Changing How You Treat Your Parents
If your parents are still living, consider how you are treating them.
Could you call them more often?
When could you visit?
Could you listen to their stories?
What can you help with that they can no longer do themselves?
Could you forgive something from the past?
Would you be willing to simply spend some time with them?
You may be surprised by how much one small change can affect your life.
And if you are a parent yourself, remember this:
Your children are watching.
They are learning from the way you treat your parents, just as you once learned from the way your parents treated theirs.
Honoring our parents is not always easy.
It may not always be convenient.
And it certainly does not mean accepting abuse or abandoning healthy boundaries.
But when we can honor our parents in a healthy and appropriate way, we may discover that we receive something in return that we never expected.
We may discover gratitude.
And we may discover peace.
We may discover memories that become precious long after our parents are gone.
Most importantly, we may discover what happens when we stop insisting on living according to our schedule and begin trusting God’s schedule.
Give it a try. You may find that honoring your parents changes much more than your relationship with them.
About the Author
Debbie Wicker is a Board Certified Christian Counselor who brings a thoughtful mental health perspective to the study of the Bible. With more than 15 years of counseling experience, Debbie helps individuals understand Scripture not only spiritually, but emotionally and psychologically as well.
Before entering counseling, Debbie was a partner in a Big 8 public accounting firm, where she built a successful career in management consulting. After a mid-life career change, she felt called to integrate faith and mental health — equipping others to grow spiritually while addressing real-life struggles with wisdom and compassion.
Through the-Bible.net, Debbie writes to help readers better understand God’s Word, human nature, and the transforming power of Christ.
