Why Do We Struggle to Forgive?
As a counselor, I often sit across from people who are deeply angry—wounded by betrayal, abandonment, or abuse. When I mention forgiveness as a path toward healing, it often triggers intense resistance.
“Forgiveness?” they say. “Why should I forgive someone who hurt me so badly?”
The truth is, many of us feel completely justified in holding onto our pain. And in many ways, we are. We were wronged. We didn’t deserve the harm that was done to us.
But here’s the hard truth: staying in that place—angry, bitter, and closed off—doesn’t bring justice. It brings bondage.
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
— Ephesians 4:31–32 (NIV)
Forgiveness doesn’t mean saying what happened was okay. It doesn’t mean forgetting. But it does mean choosing to let go—for your own sake.
So why is it still so hard?
Pride and a Hardened Heart
One of the biggest barriers to forgiveness is pride. When we’ve been hurt, we naturally adopt the role of the victim—and that role feels righteous. “It’s all their fault. They should fix this. Not me.”
We begin to see ourselves as 100% right and the other person as 100% wrong. Self-righteousness takes root. Our hearts harden. And anger becomes our comfort zone.
But the longer we live in that place, the more trapped we become.
“Why Should I Forgive My Parents?”
This question haunted me for years.
I was the youngest of five children born in six years to struggling parents. They were overwhelmed, under-resourced, and clearly didn’t want another child.
From my earliest memories, I felt like a burden. I remember being two years old and already thinking, “I need to be cute so they’ll feed me.” I started competing for their attention—just to survive.
Because of this, I spent my entire childhood trying to earn their love, constantly adjusting myself in hopes of being noticed.
When I later studied the Ten Commandments and came across, “Honor your father and mother,” I was stuck. How do I honor people who wounded me so deeply?
The pain turned into pride. And that pride hardened into resentment.
My Journey Toward Forgiveness
My twenties were defined by anger, especially toward my mom. She had left me in my teens, and we had almost no contact. Her neglect scarred me deeply, shaping the person I became.
At work, I was ruthless. I stepped over people, masked my shame with performance, and pushed kindness to the background.
Eventually, I turned to God.
Through His grace, I began to see my brokenness—and the roots of it. I realized that if I wanted to become the person God created me to be, I had to forgive.
That decision didn’t come all at once. It was a long, emotional journey. And it’s still a work in progress.
Even now, when someone rubs me the wrong way, the old feelings resurface. Pride and self-protection try to take over. I still struggle. But I also continue to grow.
Forgiveness Is the Way Forward
I’m sharing my story in the hope that it will encourage you to start your own journey toward forgiveness. Yours will look different from mine—because God made you unique. But the destination is the same: freedom, peace, and transformation.
There’s nothing like it.
Forgiveness doesn’t just heal relationships.
It heals you.
So, if you’re stuck in anger or pain, ask God to help you take the first step. He will meet you there.
You don’t have to carry this forever. Forgiveness is the door—and Christ holds the key.
